Push Record

gao“You should know that there is little you can seek in this world, that there is no need for you to be so greedy, in the end all you can achieve are memories, hazy, intangible, dreamlike memories which are impossible to articulate. When you try to relate them, there are only sentences, the dregs left from the filter of linguistic structures.” – Gao Xingjian

My memories are so properly filtered I don’t even have the dregs to sift through. Some I blocked because loving someone who doesn’t love himself is impossible if you recall even the tiniest portion of what he’s said or done at times. Other memories I’ve actively erased. Once he raged at me so irrationally over a voice message that I recorded it for posterity. It was some kind of personal therapy I’d conjured up to address the fact that I typically forget and forgive too quickly. My thought was that I needed a reminder of how he treated me. But, I never listened to it again. Because I am not the kind of vindictive person who holds hatred, one day I erased the tape thinking, “What kind of memory is that to hold on to?” Ten years later he was dead. Now I’d give anything for that recording. Greedy now for something tangible. To hear him rage just one more time. If only to remind me that no matter how much I miss him, he’s so much better off than stuck in his tragic life.

One thought on “Push Record

  1. I’ve been feeling like my memories are more like dreams. Did that or this happen? Or was it in a dream or even something I read? Was it my memory or a made up memory? Who knows these days.


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